PSL: Post-DF for Beverly

[stigmaofsuccess]

Waking up in the camp, on that small, cold cot was a nightmare. Despite assurances that no one ever remembered their time in the Fleet, Julian could, flashes and hints, his enhanced brain refusing to let go of what it had experienced.

There was no time after that for thinking on it. Everything was go, invasions and deaths and horror and then plunging through the wormhole into the safety, comparatively, of the assembled Alpha Quadrant Fleet.

By the time Julian got out of his debriefing, all he wanted was a shower and bed. But when he got to his quarters, all his belongings had been rifled, moved, different smells and different things and Julian balked.

He went to his office, where at least it felt like less of a personal violation and showered there before settling behind his desk. He had slightly over a month of information to catch up on and he doubted he'd be sleeping.

He toyed with messaging the Enterprise.

He didn't. He remembered but Beverly? Almost certainly didn't.

Comments

[stigmaofsuccess]

"Thank you." It's not the same, but he knows now that he isn't insane; at least, not when dealing with phantom memories of the Drift Fleet. "And likewise."

[dancingmd]

“I appreciate it. No doubt we will both need help working through those memories.” Her brow furrows. “How would you feel about me letting my ship’s counselor know about this conversation? I wouldn’t tell her any details about you, just that it’s been confirmed that I really did go to another fleet.”

[stigmaofsuccess]

Julian thinks about it and then nods, almost in the same moment. "All right. I... can live with that... Deanna Troi, isn't it? Your counselor? I met her mother, Lwaxana. Cured her of Zanthi fever, actually. That was an unfortunate period."

He can't help himself, deflecting the conversation from himself and anything emotionally baring is one of his first reactions in any conversation.

[dancingmd]

"That's right, I remember Deanna telling me about that. Sounds as if it is similar to Bendii syndrome, though less severe." She tilts her head - she may not be an empath, but she still knows when someone is dodging an important issue. "You know, I'm sure Deanna would be willing to talk to you too."

[stigmaofsuccess]

"Much, much less severe. More like... empathic flu. Where she broadcast her unresolved sexual desires onto everyone around her." It was embarrassing, but at least he could look Kira in the eye again these days.

"That's a generous offer, but I'm not part of your crew. You won't be staying for long enough to even begin scratching the surface of everything I should talk about." He doesn't look her in the face as he says it, dismissive about it. He can't help himself.

[dancingmd]

"Yet something tells me you won't talk about it with anyone here either."

[stigmaofsuccess]

He smiles, ducking his head and clearly caught out. "No. I won't. I work hard to not appear insane, and given recent revelations, any sign of mental instability on my behalf will have my commission revoked and me most likely shipped off to a protected think tank."

[dancingmd]

Beverly frowns and slaps the desk, angry on his behalf. "If they dare try to ship you off, they're going to have to deal with me. I will be the biggest pain in the ass they've ever had the misfortune to deal with." And Starfleet, at least, is already very familiar with the folly of standing in the way of a determined Beverly Crusher. "They cannot claim insanity in this, when I can corroborate your story with my own. And even if I couldn't, it's still inexcusable that they have created an environment where you don't feel comfortable seeking the help you deserve because you might be punished for doing so, simply because of a decision your parents made for you as a child. Any officer would be struggling after what you've been through and any other officer wouldn't have to fear what was going to happen to them because they decided to talk to their counselor about it."

[stigmaofsuccess]

Julian startles and flinches back from the slap and raised voice. It's a left over from the camp, where raised voices often meant someone was about to be in a world of trouble. Often, him.

"Augments are dangerous," he says softly. "Prone to mental and emotional instability, delusion, megalomania and paranoia." If he was them, he'd be scared of him too. Truthfully, he was probably as scared of himself as the higher ups were. "And we're... between counselors at the moment. Telnorri left, we couldn't ask a civilian to stay on the front line. It's all right. That Fleet was actually a pleasant holiday in the middle of all of this."

[dancingmd]

Beverly immediately regrets the slap and the raised voice. A look of pain crosses her face when she realizes that she's frightened him. She turns her hands palms up on the desk in apology, relaxing her angry stance, though she still seethes underneath for how trapped he is by all this.

"It's not just the fleet. It's the camp too. I just..." Her voice grows soft, softer than his. "I don't want to lose you again."

[stigmaofsuccess]

"It's war, Beverly. And I've chosen to stay on the front line. I can't make that promise." He couldn't leave his family, his real family, not now.

And yes, that would be more of his twisting the situation to avoid the issue.

[dancingmd]

"I wouldn't ask you to leave Deep Space Nine. That's not what I meant. There's more than one way to lose someone."

[stigmaofsuccess]

"There's more ways to lose them than keep them," Julian murmurs softly. With Beverly, he manages to show some of those cracks a bit easier. She's seen him pretty low and it feels... not safe. Just not dangerous to let her see.

[dancingmd]

Beverly gently takes his hand again. "Doesn't ever stop me from trying."

[stigmaofsuccess]

He lets her and wonders how bad a person he is that he finds more comfort from her than from his actual parents. "Thank you. You must be one of the strongest people I know."

[dancingmd]

"I could say the same of you."

[stigmaofsuccess]

He looks down, mouth twitching with a brief twist of a smile. "I was made that way."

[dancingmd]

"It goes much deeper than that though. You say I am strong, but I have never had to carry a secret such as yours, never had to hide who I was from those closest to me. That is a difficult thing for anyone to bear."

[stigmaofsuccess]

"It wasn't strength. It was terror. I had to live with it, because the alternative was telling and that was asking for my life to be completely destroyed."

He sees no strength in his silence, just necessity.

[dancingmd]

"But if you had let fear completely control your actions, you wouldn't be where you are today. A man ruled by his fear would not have joined Starfleet, of all things."

[stigmaofsuccess]

He manages a small smile. Joining Starfleet really hadn't been the action of someone trying to remain hidden. "Maybe I have a strong masochistic streak?"

[dancingmd]

"Or maybe.." Beverly returns his smile with a soft one of her own, "You just need to give yourself more credit."

[stigmaofsuccess]

He gives a soft huff and leans back in his chair, tucking a leg up to the chest, foot on the edge of his seat and chin on his knee. "I think most people here would argue the opposite."

[dancingmd]

"I think that's something most doctors get accused of, at least once or twice." Sometimes rightfully, sometimes not.

[stigmaofsuccess]

"Well, yes, I suppose there is that." Julian has been running this place with just nursing staff for a while, so he's sorely lacked a certain amount of peer reviewing... or peer keeping his ego in check. "Though I struggle to picture anyone lobbing that accusation at you."