PSL: Post-DF for Beverly

[stigmaofsuccess]

Waking up in the camp, on that small, cold cot was a nightmare. Despite assurances that no one ever remembered their time in the Fleet, Julian could, flashes and hints, his enhanced brain refusing to let go of what it had experienced.

There was no time after that for thinking on it. Everything was go, invasions and deaths and horror and then plunging through the wormhole into the safety, comparatively, of the assembled Alpha Quadrant Fleet.

By the time Julian got out of his debriefing, all he wanted was a shower and bed. But when he got to his quarters, all his belongings had been rifled, moved, different smells and different things and Julian balked.

He went to his office, where at least it felt like less of a personal violation and showered there before settling behind his desk. He had slightly over a month of information to catch up on and he doubted he'd be sleeping.

He toyed with messaging the Enterprise.

He didn't. He remembered but Beverly? Almost certainly didn't.

Comments

[dancingmd]

"I wouldn't ask you to leave Deep Space Nine. That's not what I meant. There's more than one way to lose someone."

[stigmaofsuccess]

"There's more ways to lose them than keep them," Julian murmurs softly. With Beverly, he manages to show some of those cracks a bit easier. She's seen him pretty low and it feels... not safe. Just not dangerous to let her see.

[dancingmd]

Beverly gently takes his hand again. "Doesn't ever stop me from trying."

[stigmaofsuccess]

He lets her and wonders how bad a person he is that he finds more comfort from her than from his actual parents. "Thank you. You must be one of the strongest people I know."

[dancingmd]

"I could say the same of you."

[stigmaofsuccess]

He looks down, mouth twitching with a brief twist of a smile. "I was made that way."

[dancingmd]

"It goes much deeper than that though. You say I am strong, but I have never had to carry a secret such as yours, never had to hide who I was from those closest to me. That is a difficult thing for anyone to bear."

[stigmaofsuccess]

"It wasn't strength. It was terror. I had to live with it, because the alternative was telling and that was asking for my life to be completely destroyed."

He sees no strength in his silence, just necessity.

[dancingmd]

"But if you had let fear completely control your actions, you wouldn't be where you are today. A man ruled by his fear would not have joined Starfleet, of all things."

[stigmaofsuccess]

He manages a small smile. Joining Starfleet really hadn't been the action of someone trying to remain hidden. "Maybe I have a strong masochistic streak?"

[dancingmd]

"Or maybe.." Beverly returns his smile with a soft one of her own, "You just need to give yourself more credit."

[stigmaofsuccess]

He gives a soft huff and leans back in his chair, tucking a leg up to the chest, foot on the edge of his seat and chin on his knee. "I think most people here would argue the opposite."

[dancingmd]

"I think that's something most doctors get accused of, at least once or twice." Sometimes rightfully, sometimes not.

[stigmaofsuccess]

"Well, yes, I suppose there is that." Julian has been running this place with just nursing staff for a while, so he's sorely lacked a certain amount of peer reviewing... or peer keeping his ego in check. "Though I struggle to picture anyone lobbing that accusation at you."