PSL: Post-DF for Beverly

[stigmaofsuccess]

Waking up in the camp, on that small, cold cot was a nightmare. Despite assurances that no one ever remembered their time in the Fleet, Julian could, flashes and hints, his enhanced brain refusing to let go of what it had experienced.

There was no time after that for thinking on it. Everything was go, invasions and deaths and horror and then plunging through the wormhole into the safety, comparatively, of the assembled Alpha Quadrant Fleet.

By the time Julian got out of his debriefing, all he wanted was a shower and bed. But when he got to his quarters, all his belongings had been rifled, moved, different smells and different things and Julian balked.

He went to his office, where at least it felt like less of a personal violation and showered there before settling behind his desk. He had slightly over a month of information to catch up on and he doubted he'd be sleeping.

He toyed with messaging the Enterprise.

He didn't. He remembered but Beverly? Almost certainly didn't.

Comments

[stigmaofsuccess]

"Why are you apologising?" He gives her a small smile. "It's been... years for you, hasn't it?"

[dancingmd]

She nods. "Years there, years here. It's all still jumbled up. Seeing you, talking to you, helps but... There's a lot to dig through."

Thank god for Deanna.

[stigmaofsuccess]

"Wow." Years there. He hadn't even contemplated that possibility.

"Miles went through this, punishment, once. Where he lived years in the space of an afternoon. I've wondered if a similar technology might have been employed by that place."

[dancingmd]

She nods. "Jean-Luc... that is, Captain Picard, had a similar experience as well. He lived an entire lifetime in the span of twenty minutes - though it wasn't for punishment or entertainment. We came to a planet whose civilization had died long ago and they left this mental probe as a time capsule of sorts, so they wouldn't be forgotten.

I, too, often wondered if Atroma employed a similar technology, though would not be surprised at all to find out they are more like the Q in their abilities."

[stigmaofsuccess]

"There's a terrifying idea. Atroma is just a small Q collective in another reality. Or worse, one Q. In groups they seem to moderate because they get busy arguing."

Julian tucks a leg up, heel on his seat and chin on his knee while he thinks about that horror for a few moments.

"I hope it's just technology. That's a much nicer idea."

[dancingmd]

“Perhaps.” Beverly’s hand goes to the back of her head, to the spot just behind her ear, where the augment had been implanted. The spot is smooth now, but she can remember the feel of the bump of the implant, like a phantom limb. As much as she dislikes Q, she doesn’t know that technology is any nicer of an idea. “The results were about the same either way.”

[stigmaofsuccess]

"Well, there is that to be said about it."

He touches the same spot on his own head. He had scanned, repeatedly, but there was no sign of it, nor of it ever having been there. Sometimes, he wonders if he's just gone insane like he always knew he would and it's all the paranoia of his augmented mind tearing itself apart.

"I don't think I've ever been so alone in my life as these last few weeks," he stated. "I thought maybe I was mad."

[dancingmd]

"Well, you're not alone anymore. I know we won't be docked here long but you are always welcome to message me aboard the Enterprise."

[stigmaofsuccess]

"Thank you." It's not the same, but he knows now that he isn't insane; at least, not when dealing with phantom memories of the Drift Fleet. "And likewise."

[dancingmd]

“I appreciate it. No doubt we will both need help working through those memories.” Her brow furrows. “How would you feel about me letting my ship’s counselor know about this conversation? I wouldn’t tell her any details about you, just that it’s been confirmed that I really did go to another fleet.”

[stigmaofsuccess]

Julian thinks about it and then nods, almost in the same moment. "All right. I... can live with that... Deanna Troi, isn't it? Your counselor? I met her mother, Lwaxana. Cured her of Zanthi fever, actually. That was an unfortunate period."

He can't help himself, deflecting the conversation from himself and anything emotionally baring is one of his first reactions in any conversation.

[dancingmd]

"That's right, I remember Deanna telling me about that. Sounds as if it is similar to Bendii syndrome, though less severe." She tilts her head - she may not be an empath, but she still knows when someone is dodging an important issue. "You know, I'm sure Deanna would be willing to talk to you too."

[stigmaofsuccess]

"Much, much less severe. More like... empathic flu. Where she broadcast her unresolved sexual desires onto everyone around her." It was embarrassing, but at least he could look Kira in the eye again these days.

"That's a generous offer, but I'm not part of your crew. You won't be staying for long enough to even begin scratching the surface of everything I should talk about." He doesn't look her in the face as he says it, dismissive about it. He can't help himself.

[dancingmd]

"Yet something tells me you won't talk about it with anyone here either."

[stigmaofsuccess]

He smiles, ducking his head and clearly caught out. "No. I won't. I work hard to not appear insane, and given recent revelations, any sign of mental instability on my behalf will have my commission revoked and me most likely shipped off to a protected think tank."

[dancingmd]

Beverly frowns and slaps the desk, angry on his behalf. "If they dare try to ship you off, they're going to have to deal with me. I will be the biggest pain in the ass they've ever had the misfortune to deal with." And Starfleet, at least, is already very familiar with the folly of standing in the way of a determined Beverly Crusher. "They cannot claim insanity in this, when I can corroborate your story with my own. And even if I couldn't, it's still inexcusable that they have created an environment where you don't feel comfortable seeking the help you deserve because you might be punished for doing so, simply because of a decision your parents made for you as a child. Any officer would be struggling after what you've been through and any other officer wouldn't have to fear what was going to happen to them because they decided to talk to their counselor about it."

[stigmaofsuccess]

Julian startles and flinches back from the slap and raised voice. It's a left over from the camp, where raised voices often meant someone was about to be in a world of trouble. Often, him.

"Augments are dangerous," he says softly. "Prone to mental and emotional instability, delusion, megalomania and paranoia." If he was them, he'd be scared of him too. Truthfully, he was probably as scared of himself as the higher ups were. "And we're... between counselors at the moment. Telnorri left, we couldn't ask a civilian to stay on the front line. It's all right. That Fleet was actually a pleasant holiday in the middle of all of this."

[dancingmd]

Beverly immediately regrets the slap and the raised voice. A look of pain crosses her face when she realizes that she's frightened him. She turns her hands palms up on the desk in apology, relaxing her angry stance, though she still seethes underneath for how trapped he is by all this.

"It's not just the fleet. It's the camp too. I just..." Her voice grows soft, softer than his. "I don't want to lose you again."

[stigmaofsuccess]

"It's war, Beverly. And I've chosen to stay on the front line. I can't make that promise." He couldn't leave his family, his real family, not now.

And yes, that would be more of his twisting the situation to avoid the issue.

[dancingmd]

"I wouldn't ask you to leave Deep Space Nine. That's not what I meant. There's more than one way to lose someone."

[stigmaofsuccess]

"There's more ways to lose them than keep them," Julian murmurs softly. With Beverly, he manages to show some of those cracks a bit easier. She's seen him pretty low and it feels... not safe. Just not dangerous to let her see.

[dancingmd]

Beverly gently takes his hand again. "Doesn't ever stop me from trying."

[stigmaofsuccess]

He lets her and wonders how bad a person he is that he finds more comfort from her than from his actual parents. "Thank you. You must be one of the strongest people I know."

[dancingmd]

"I could say the same of you."

[stigmaofsuccess]

He looks down, mouth twitching with a brief twist of a smile. "I was made that way."